The First Log

4 months. That’s the amount of time that has passed since I last felt….normal. You don’t really notice the small things in life, the things that you used to enjoy before it’s taken away from you. Me personally; I enjoy driving, long walks by the beach, having a small get together with close friends and photography. You can say that I enjoy a slow peaceful life. 

Life however has different plans in store for me. One day after a fun getaway in Pahang, Malaysia, I got the diarrhea. At first I thought to myself, “Ah man, diarrhea, oh well it’ll pass. Must be something I ate”. Boy was I wrong!

As a child, I constantly had constipation. My mom said I was like that ever since she could remember. Growing up with constipation, I’m very well accustomed to how it felt, and how it’s “Normal”. So when my body suddenly started doing nothing but the D, I got worried. I’ll go into more details on how I was diagnosed later, but for now I’d like to share more on the anxiety part of things.

When I started getting the runs almost on a daily basis, it greatly impacted my daily activities, contrary to constipation. I started to fear driving, as the thought of being in a confined space away from toilet and soiling myself in my own car got the better part of me. I think this was my when my trauma started to develop, worsening my already existent anxiety. 

I noticed my anxiety symptoms back when I was still in university. When faced with a particularly high amounts of stress, I’ll have trouble falling asleep, and random muscle spasm or twitchings. So, when the driving trauma came along, accompanied with a bowel movement trauma, things weren’t pretty.

My anxiety then became a pretty vicious cycle. Whenever I need to go somewhere new, let’s say a hotel for a conference or meeting, I’ll be anxious about driving there. The anxiety from the driving then causes me to have a bowel movement, which in turn fuels my driving anxiety. Rinse and repeat.

Luckily however, this doesn’t happen while I’m at work. The workplace is somewhat of a safe haven for me. Toilets aplenty and I’m surrounded by people. So if I do feel bad, there are going to be people to help me. I feel safe.

The symptoms of my anxiety is very vague too. Sometimes, it’s the twitching, and some other time, its palpitations, lightheadedness, trembling, cold or hot flashes,  or even pressure sensation in my head. It’s a mix and match really. Never know what I might get. 

That’s enough rambling for one post. I’ll be sure to write more her soon. I’m finding it very therapeutic to write down my fears and concerns for the world to read and chime in on. I’m sure there are many people out there who’s in the exact same predicament as I am, or maybe even worse. I’m sure that if I do find things that helped me, it might be helpful for you too. 

If you’re interested in my photography, do visit axsatr.wordpress.com

Thanks for reading! Have a good day!

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